You’ve probably seen the photos. A copper bathtub filling from a spout in the ceiling, leather floors that look like crocodile skin, and enough gold leaf to make a Pharaoh blush. Crazy Bear Beaconsfield isn't just a hotel; it’s a vibe that sits somewhere between a 15th-century coaching inn and a high-end fever dream.
Honestly, it’s polarizing. Some people walk into the 73-75 Wycombe End entrance and feel like they’ve finally found their spiritual home of decadence. Others get frustrated because they can’t find the light switch in a room draped entirely in blue velvet.
If you're looking for a "safe" hotel with beige walls and a predictable breakfast buffet, you're going to hate it here. But if you want a place where the toilets are hidden behind mirrored walls and the staircase is coated in real gold, keep reading.
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The Reality of Staying at Crazy Bear Beaconsfield
Most hotels try to be everything to everyone. This place doesn't.
Acquired in 2005, this is officially the oldest documented building in Beaconsfield. But don't let the Tudor exterior fool you. Once you step past the heavy oak doors, the "coaching inn" vibes evaporate. It took three years of meticulous, frankly insane restoration to open in 2008, and it’s been a magnet for the London "out-of-office" crowd ever since.
The Rooms: Form vs. Function
The rooms are categorized in ways that sound more like a cocktail menu: Tiny, Snug, Cosy, Boujee, and Decadent.
Here is what nobody tells you about the Decadent rooms: they are dark. Intentionally dark. We're talking moody, atmospheric lighting that makes it nearly impossible to apply eyeliner or find your black socks on the black crocodile-effect floor. It’s a design choice. The walls are often lined with crushed velvet. The beds are massive, silver, baroque-style pieces of art.
The famous copper baths? They really do fill from the ceiling. It’s a theatrical trick that never gets old, though you do have to be careful not to splash your champagne. However, the open-plan nature of many rooms means the toilet might just be behind a velvet curtain near the bed. If you’re on a first date, this is a bold test of the relationship.
Eating and Drinking (The Wallet Hit)
You’ve got two main choices for food: English or Thai.
The Thai restaurant is arguably the star. It's an award-winning setup where the decor remains high-octane. We’re talking about a Twelve Plate Sharing Menu that currently runs about £65 per person. You’ll get things like:
- Rock shrimp popcorn with togarashi.
- Black Angus beef Panang curry with lychees.
- Crispy salt and pepper prawns.
The English restaurant is more "traditional" (by Crazy Bear standards), focusing on grass-fed British cattle and 28-day matured steaks. If you're going for the 1kg Tomahawk for two, be prepared to drop nearly £100 just on the meat.
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Pro Tip: If you book your dinner between 5:00 PM and 6:45 PM, they often run a 25% discount on the total bill, including alcohol. Given that the cheapest bottle of bubbles usually starts around £75-£100, that discount matters.
The Pool and the "Hedonism" Factor
There is an outdoor swimming pool. It looks like it belongs in a Moroccan riad, surrounded by a covered terrace and plenty of places to pose with a cocktail.
Is it heated? Usually, yes, but in the dead of a British winter, it’s more of an "invigorating" experience. It’s a daytime scene. By night, the focus shifts to the three bars. The Moroccan Lounge is the go-to for evening parties, hosting up to 90 people in a space that feels like a very expensive Bedouin tent.
One thing to note: this is an adults-only environment. The "party" atmosphere is baked into the DNA of the place. You aren't here for a quiet book by the fire; you're here to drink a £17 "Thai Spritz" (with Thai basil and prosecco) and pretend you're in a music video.
What People Get Wrong (The Pitfalls)
It's not all gold leaf and roses. If you check recent 2026 reviews, the common complaints usually boil down to service inconsistencies and "form over function" issues.
- The "Scattered" Layout: The hotel has expanded into 11 surrounding properties. This means your room might be in a separate building (like the Infinity Building). You might have to walk across a courtyard in the rain to get to breakfast.
- Maintenance: In a building this old with decor this complex, things break. Expect the occasional flickering mood light or a copper tap that needs a bit of a polish.
- The "Hidden" Costs: Parking is free, but the "optional" cooked-to-order breakfast can set you back £25 per person.
Is It Actually Worth It?
If you want an "antithesis to boutique hotel blandness," then yes.
It is a theatrical experience. You pay for the audacity of the design. You pay for the fact that you’re staying in a 15th-century building that looks like a high-end burlesque club inside. It’s perfect for a 21st birthday, a hen do, or a romantic getaway where you want to feel a bit "extra."
If you’re a business traveler who just wants a desk and a bright bathroom to shave in, you’ll probably find it frustrating. The sinks are often small copper bowls, and there’s nowhere to put your toiletries. It’s impractical. It’s expensive. It’s flamboyant.
But honestly? There’s nowhere else quite like it in the UK.
Actionable Insights for Your Visit
- Book the Thai Restaurant: Even if you aren't staying, the food is consistently better rated than the English menu.
- Request a Main House Room: If you don't want to walk outside to get to the bar, specifically ask if your room is in the original coaching inn.
- Check the Deals: They frequently run vouchers and Sunday night specials. Don't pay full rack rate if you can help it.
- Bring a Torch: This sounds like a joke, but if you drop something on the dark velvet floors, your phone's flashlight will be your best friend.
- Timing: Arrive for the 3:00 PM check-in to maximize pool time, as the terrace is the best place to soak up the atmosphere before the evening crowd arrives.